Imitation Magic
by Vermillion Lies
Summary: Because --Just Like Magic!-- wasn't silly enough.
1. Clovis

As the summary implies, this is the spin-off of Just Like Magic!. Which means, if you have not read JLM! this will make even less sense than it already does.

**Chapter Title**: Clovis**  
Setting**: Somewhere in Chapter Ten  
**Dedicated To**: di_sama

* * *

Despite its outer appearance, this castle was not a castle. This was a _palace_. Behind the stone façade, which was about a foot thick, there was an exotic, tropical jungle themed mass of marble and fountains. Suzaku was very confused.

There was still a tower, however. It stuck out terribly.

Resolute, Suzaku pushed open the heavy wooden door and began to climb the stairs. Unlike the stairs in Lelouch's castle, these were sparkly clean. The walls surrounding the spiraling staircase were covered in murals of awesomeness that Suzaku would have appreciated more had he actually looked. Suzaku was oblivious. Whatever.

At a small landing, there was a small snake with diamond collar. Suzaku stopped to pet it. It hissed at him feebly as he passed.

In another fit of obliviousness Suzaku ignored the small engraving on the collar reading, "Lulu." (It should be noted that it was an ill-tempered black snake.)

The door of the room at the top of the tower was already opened. Suzaku took a deep breath and stepped inside. He promptly wanted to kill something. For the person seated casually at an easel was… male.

Why? Why did life hate him so much? He was so very not gay, time spent with Lelouch notwithstanding. So why was his _second_ one true love still a damned guy!

As stated previously, Suzaku wanted to kill something.

While he was standing there, fists clenched, teeth gritted, the man at the easel looked up.

"May I draw you?"

Suzaku snapped back to reality, "What?"

Suzaku's secondary one true love stood and approached him. He lifted his chin and inspected his face. "Your jawline… it is exquisite. And your eyes! Ah! Your eyes, they are like unto-"

"Please stop touching me."

"But you're so very pretty. But wait – You are my one true love, yes? Despite the fact that I'm quite straight and you're clearly male there could definitely have been worse outcomes. Your face is-"

"Really. Stop touching me."

"Well, if we are to be lovers – Perhaps man and, er, man – How do you feel about getting a sex change? – Anyway, you really should get used to the touching."

"I think there's a mistake, I'm, er, I'm quite-" He could think of only one ending to that sentence, and he really, really didn't want to say it, but if the alternative was- "I'm taken."

"Taken?!" The blond drew back in shock. "Then why on earth are you here? Rescuing me when I'm intended for-"

"Community service!" Suzaku blurted out before the man could finish his sentence. His rant senses were a-tingling.

"Hmm, _taken_." He strode back to the easel and studied it for a long moment before looking up, blue eyes gleaming. "Is she pretty?"

Suzaku could have just said yes. But it was highly probable that the madman would follow him outside to where Lelouch waited. While androgynous, the second he opened his mouth the truth would be obvious. And keeping Lelouch quiet would be impossible. The only possible answer was the truth.

"Yes, he is pretty."

The blond stopped pacing. "He? Actually, that works out rather brilliantly. What does he look like?"

Suzaku was at a loss and quite uncomfortable with this situation. "Erm, my height and skinny. Quite pale. Er, black hair and-"

"Is he as muscled as you?"

"No, he's really, really skinny. Unhealthily so actually."

"And he's pale while you're tanned. Oh, this is lovely, such a wonderful contrast. Take me to him! I must see him for myself."

Suzaku was a bit of a tool when flustered. "Alright then."

He turned and led the way down the stairs-"

"Do you like the murals? I painted them myself."

-past the landing-

"That's my wingless dragon! He's quite tame!" Another feeble hiss.

-through the gardens and palace grounds-

"I designed this whole place actually. When I heard was to be consigned here for some unspecified amount of time. Well, I had quite a lot to say about that."

Suzaku stopped, realizing he'd forgotten something important. "What's your name?"

He gave an elegant bow that reminded Suzaku strongly of Lelouch.

"Clovis la Britannia."

Well that explained it. Wait – Shit.

"Br – Britannia?" Suzaku choked out.

"Yes, is there a problem?"

"No. No not a problem, just, er, let's just keep going outside, 'kay?"

The blo- _Clovis_ shrugged and followed.

The first thing they saw when past the façade was Gawain. Clearing Gawain, they saw Lelouch who was sitting on a large rock, boulder really, looking positively miserable.

Suzaku had no idea why that could be.

Lelouch glanced up. Purple eyes widened at the sight of the blond following behind Suzaku.

"Oh, yes! He's _perfect_. The contrast really is splendid. Would you two mind posing for me? Together? Possibly in an intimate setting?"

Suzaku's face turned purple.

"Dear me, your relationship hasn't progressed that far yet? Well, kissing is fine. I'd be rather uncomfortable with anything more actually."

Lelouch made a strange gulping noise as he stared at his brother.

"Hold on a moment." Clovis took several steps forward and bent to study Lelouch's face. "Le – Lelouch?"

Lelouch laughed shakily. "Hello, brother."

"Oh, Lulu! It's been so long!"

"Clovis, we hate each other."

"Please, call me '_brother._' I always got so jealous when you called Schneizel that and not me. Besides, that's all behind us now."

"No it's not!"

"But I love you, Lulu! I named my wingless dragon after you!"

"Your wingl – Clovis, I hate you. Remember that time I tried to kill you when I was seven and everyone thought that was a prank. Yeah, that wasn't a prank."

"Lulu," Clovis whimpered, lip quivering.

"Hey! Where the hell do you think you're going?"

Suzaku, who had been stealthily leading Lancelot away, looked back innocently, "Who? Me?"

Lelouch pushed Clovis roughly to the side. "Yes, you! Don't leave me alone with him!"

"But, Lulu-"

"Lelouch, you're really not being-" Suzaku took a step back as Lelouch stalked forward.

"He's not _my _princess. You deal with him!"

"He's your brother!"

"_Half_-brother! Suzaku, you really-"

"Wow, you two aren't intimate at all."

Lelouch stopped mid-sentence and gaped at his _half_-brother. Suzaku bit his lip and looked away, resisting the urge to whistle.

"Why ever would you think we'd be _intimate_?"

Clovis, sensing he'd said something wrong, smiled sweetly and pointed a finger at Suzaku. "He said he was taken. By you."

Lelouch whirled on Suzaku, "What the-"

"He started talking about me getting a _sex change_! I had to say _something_!"

"You couldn't have just said you were straight!"

"I, er, I don't think well under pressure!"

"You don't think well at all, _Suzie_!"

"But you _do _act like a married couple, hmm. Interesting." Clovis was studying them, stroking his chin.

Lelouch whirled back to Clovis, "Quit that! No more talking!"

"Lelouch, he's your _brother_! You could be a little nicer. Though it is nice to know I'm not the only one you abuse."

"Maybe it's how he shows his love," Clovis mused.

"No. No, it isn't," Suzaku and Lelouch snapped at the same time.

Clovis hid a small smile behind one hand, "That's really cute. So how far _have _you two gotten, anyway?"

"Nowhere!" Lelouch shrieked, he had a habit of doing that, particularly when the issue of his and Suzaku's relationship came up in conversation.

Clovis' eyes sharpened and he pranced forward. Brushing back the hair off Lelouch's neck he smirked uncharacteristically, "Then would you mind explaining this mark."

Lelouch's eyes widened. "I, er-"

Suzaku grinned evilly on the inside and shrugged simply on the out, "He likes it up the ass."

"Suzaku!" Lelouch, again, shrieked.

"Oh, don't hide it, Lulu," Clovis waved a hand airily. "I always knew you'd have a thing for tanned pretty boys with eyes like unto-"

"Quit that!" Suzaku this time.

"I dunno," Lelouch murmured, "I think I need to know what Suzaku's eyes are like unto. After all, I need some sort of poetry to moan while he-"

"Details! Details!" Clovis wailed, covering his ears.

"But, Clovis, it's been so long, don't you want to catch up?"

"Not if catching up involves-"

"I mean, we're _family_. It's only natural that we share secrets like how much I love it when-"

"Lelouch!"

"-he sh-"

Suzaku made a wild dive at Lelouch to cover his mouth as soon as possible. He overdid it and they both fell to the ground.

"Get off of-" Lelouch beat at his chest.

"It's your own damned fault for-" One hand held Lelouch's wrist to the ground, the other went to cover his mouth.

"Stop! Stop exactly like that!"

They turned and stared.

"I have to get my easel!" He sprinted off towards the castle.

Lelouch and Suzaku stared at each other and shrugged. What was the harm?

Oh. Right. Being immortalized as the gay lovers they weren't.

They scrambled to their feet and ran towards Gawain and Lancelot who had been placidly watching the whole affair.

* * *

Please review if you enjoyed it...


	2. Strudel!

**Chapter Title**: Strudel!**  
Setting**: After 11 mayhap**  
Dedicated/Credited To**: Master Elora Dannan

* * *

The day started out so well and relatively normally. There was the slight oddity of waking up in Pendragon when Lelouch distinctly remembered falling asleep in Tristan, but this anomaly was quickly out shadowed by the chaos that had ensued from the moment he opened his eyes.

Apparently while he'd been sleeping in, Suzaku and Euphemia had been arguing. Arguing about him, to be more precise. Suzaku, a tried-and-true moron had evidently let slip the exact nature of his relationship with Lelouch, which is to say, "fuck buddy" over breakfast.

This revelation had enraged Euphemia. Not because her one true love was being untrue to her, but because her _brother_ was being untrue to her. It would seem she had a brother-complex that either no one had noticed or bothered to mention to Lelouch. Lelouch was quite as shocked as everyone else when he came down and was informed of why precisely there were scrambled eggs plastered to the walls by his one of his other younger sisters, Nunnally.

Actually, there was one person who wasn't surprised in the least. Or if he was he just had the self control to not take part in the choruses of "Ew," "Sweet bejesus!" and "Oh snap!"

This paragon of cool was, of course, none other than the second prince, Schneizel el Britannia. Perhaps better known as Foxy One Whose Name Reminds One of a Pastry **(1)**.

Lelouch arrived at the Great Hall at precisely the same moment that Euphemia li Britannia, third princess of the empire, ran out of eggs to throw (having already used the toast slices like Frisbees and catapulted the oatmeal with the serving spoon) at her fiancé and so, doing the only thing she could, she pointed an accusing finger at Suzaku, the aforementioned fiancé, who was ducking behind the table, and yelled, "I challenge you to… Mortal Kombat!"

There was a collective gasp from the assembled crowd, consisting of a few of the imperial siblings (there were multiple Great Halls where breakfast was served so it was only logical that only five (not including Lelouch) were present) and a veritable host of serving persons.

The silence was disturbed by Lelouch, clutching his teddy bear, and his, "Um, what?"

But that had been breakfast.

It was nearly noon now and most of the inhabitants of the Aries Villa could be located in the coliseum that was conveniently adjacent to the Villa in case just such a situation should arise.

Lelouch, as the Guest of Honor and, more importantly, Prize, was seated in the throne-like throne usually reserved for His Imperial Highness Charles zi Britannia. He was grateful for the shade provided by the silk awning overhead. That was all he had to be grateful for at the moment.

On his right sat Schneizel, or FOWNROoaP, on his left, C.C.. Were it Charlie z. on the throne, it would be V.V. claiming that seat. As it was, C.C. had dibbed it with a loud yell of "Shotgun!" after Schneizel (SHUNAIZERU!!) had claimed the right hand seat. On _C.C.'s _left was Kallen, who had turned up in Pendragon in much the same was as Lelouch, Euphemia, and Suzaku, which is to say, no one knew how the fuck it happened and no one wanted to know either.

Kallen and C.C., having bonded that morning over their mutual love of asparagus with ketchup on shortcake as a breakfast food, were taking bets for the outcome of the match. The odds were ten to one in Arthur the Cat's favor. (Lelouch, who had been an atheist prior to this, was fervently praying that the odds would be wrong, as odds so often are.)

That is until a pretty young blond male by the name of Gino Weinberg who, despite the fact that he was a high-ranking noble and member of the court, was serving as a page boy, whispered something in Kallen's ear that made the redhead go white.

"Say _what_?"

"You've been named a contestant by her highness, Suzaku seconded it," Gino explained with an unapologetic grin.

"No! Why ever would I want to marry _him_ of all people?"

Lelouch quietly conversing with Schneizel tore himself away long enough to call an, "Oh, thanks!" over C.C.'s lap before returning to discussing the economical impact of trout prices in Sutherland.

While this seemed like a perfectly innocent, if boring as hell, conversation, it was in fact more, much more.

After some arguing, Kallen allowed herself to be dragged off to the prep rooms. C.C. was momentarily stilled by the loss of her fellow bookie. She recovered quickly, however, and began calling loudly for people's bets on the new contestant.

A trumpet blared from somewhere overhead. The coliseum erupted with cheers. It was about to begin.

A very confused, even from a distance, looking Suzaku wandered out onto the sand, staring up at the crowd in awe. He looked rather fetching in his shining armor.

There was a ripple of applause; no one really knew who he was so they were just trying to be polite.

The response for Euphemia was much louder. She looked quite, er, gallant in her sparkling pink plate mail. (How she was strong enough to be able to move in it is one of those questions best left unanswered. Let us say merely this; it involves daggers, a few chants, and fresh blood; that's where the daggers come in.)

Lelouch, for his part, cheered for neither, merely cringed at the reflected glare from both sets of armor and smirked at a sneering comment from Foxy One… Pastry.

"How does she know how to fight?" Lelouch questioned Schneizel when after five minutes she _still_ hadn't fallen to her knees and begged for mercy.

"Clovis taught her."

Lelouch gaped at his smexy older brother.

An hour later Lelouch was quite bored and his pina colada was getting melty. And Euphy and Suzaku were still fighting. Lelouch gave up. He leaned in to Schneizel and whispered, "This is ennui-inducing. Do you want to tell them or shall I?"

Schneizel thought it over, nodded, patted Lelouch's hand where it rested on the arm of the throne, and stood up, approaching the railing overlooking the circle of sand and dust where the two tired figures were _still_ fighting.

Schneizel raised his arms up till they were about parallel to the ground, "If I might have the attention of all the assembled. Yes, that includes you two in the ring, and you with the book, don't think I don't see you."

Attention was his. Who _wouldn't_ want to look at him? His true name didn't start with "foxy" for nothing.

"On this, the third day of the month of…" he droned on for quite a bit, discussing the weather, the economy, the Yankees vs. Red Socks game last night, before finally arriving at the point after a well aimed kick in the shin from Lelouch who had come to stand beside him, knowing his presence would be needed in a few moments.

"On this the third day of-"

Another kick in the shin.

"It pains me to say this to you all, especially you two in the ring and you with the book, but this elaborate and beautiful display of martial prowess was for naught. My heart is being torn in two-"

Clovis rolled his eyes, that was _his_ line.

"-but it is my duty as the High Cleric of the Church of Schnitzel-Schnauzer-Strudel to inform you all that the hand of this one," an elaborate gesture at Lelouch, "in marriage is… not available for the taking. It was on the sixth anniversary of his day of birth, the fifth of December, that I, the High Cleric of the Church of Schnitzel-Schnauzer-Strudel, did procure his promise for future marriage in exchange for chess matches and the great pinnacle of pastry-al perfection, apart from the glory that is Strudel, that is more commonly known as Apple Kuchen **(2)**."

Another collective gasp from the crowd.

Euphy pushed up her visor, "You couldn't have mentioned this earlier?!"

Back to the economical impact of trout prices in Sutherland. "Economical" meant "how much," "trout" should be replaced with "the great pinnacle of pastry-al perfection, apart from the glory that is Strudel, that is more commonly known as Apple Kuchen," and "Sutherland" in fact stood for, "if I sit through this until I'm bored enough to cry."

With this in mind, Lelouch yelled, "No! No we couldn't have!"

"But, Lelouch!' Suzaku called, finally pushing up his visor, "I thought we had something special!"

Lelouch was not given a chance to answer. He was grabbed about the waist by his older brother.

Clovis and a teary-eyed Kanon collected their winnings from C.C.

Schneizel's hand tilted up the black-haired boy's chin.

Arthur the Cat wailed his disappointment.

The two brother's faces moved slowly closer-

And a curtain fell out of nowhere, thereby blocking from view an incestuous kiss that could cause the loss of breakfast for those weak of stomach or the loss of blood from the nose for those weak of libido-control.

* * *

**(1)**Please tell me I'm not the only one.

**(2)** I have no idea what this is, but it sounds funny.

* * *

As stated, the basic idea for this belongs to Master Elora Dannan.

Review if you enjoyed it. Please.


	3. Schneizel

**Chapter Title**: Schneizel**  
Dedication**: None**  
Setting**: After Ch. 1 of IM

* * *

"That was _horrible_."

"You said that already," Lelouch yawned boredly.

"That's because it was really, really horrible!" Suzaku waved his arms and almost fell off Lancelot's back. He shuddered, "Are all of your siblings like that?"

"Clovis is… unique."

"That's good. I'd pity you so very much if you had to grow up with more than one of that."

"Mm." Lelouch didn't really care about Suzaku's sympathy or lack thereof. Mostly he was just feeling stupid for having been so ridiculously miserable over the thought of losing the moron.

Suzaku pulled Lancelot to a stop. "Lelouch," he said slowly.

"Mm?"

He pointed a trembling finger.

A feeling of doom weighed his shoulders down as Lelouch glanced in the indicated direction. Oh crap.

There was another castle.

"Do you think…?"

"Maybe. Can we – can we try it?"

Lelouch shrugged, "May as well."

They started moving again.

"Does this mean we have to have more angsty good-bye sex?" Suzaku asked as they wended their way through the trees.

Lelouch thought it over. "I don't think so. I'm pretty sure last night's was enough of that for a lifetime."

"Oh, thank god!" Suzaku exclaimed. "No! No, not you, just – That was pretty damned miserable."

"Don't worry about it. That was – That was – Let's just not talk about that. Ever."

"Agreed."

They arrived at the castle.

Suzaku dismounted and stared at the castle, a mixture of fear and hope in his eyes. "If this doesn't work out…"

"If this doesn't work out, we'll go on an exciting castle-tour until we find one with a princess that you feel an odd, instant love for."

Suzaku nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

He headed into the castle.

Lelouch settled down on the ground to play a game of tic-tac-toe with Gawain.

The castle was bleak and foreboding. Suzaku's stomach twisted itself into knots.

He climbed the stair. You'd think one of these castles would have slightly less steep and twisty stairs, but no.

He took the lack of a landing with a "wingless dragon" as a good sign and opened the door at the top of the tower with less fear than he'd started out with.

And then the by now very familiar urge to crush the life out of something with his bare hands settled over him.

"Why in the name of god are you male?!"

The man, who's hair was blond, thought a lighter shade than Clovis' (that Suzaku took as a very bad sign, blond princes in towers were NOT GOOD), looked up from his book with a should-be familiar expression; at least his eyes weren't blue.

Rather, his eyes were blue-violet, which should have tipped him off, but Suzaku was truly oblivious.

"I happen to possess a Y chromosome," the smooth, cultured voice said.

Suzaku whimpered.

The man gestured at a cushy looking _chaise longue_ by the door. "Have a seat."

Numbed by disappointment, Suzaku sat.

"Now," the man crossed his legs and steepled his fingers, "would you like to tell me about your reaction to my gender?"

Suzaku stretched out and folded his hands over his stomach.

"I'm supposed to find my true love in a castle, right? So the first one I go to, which I could have sworn was the right one, there's a guy inside. He's now following me around, which is my fault, and now we're scr– Anyway, the second castle I go to, which happened this morning by the way, another guy. This one, who thank god didn't follow me, was bat-shit crazy. He wanted to _draw_ me."

"Hmm," the blond scribbled something down on a notepad Suzaku hadn't noticed before. "Tell me about your mother."

"She died in - Eep!" he jerked upright and stared at the large, furry form which had entered the room through the still-open door.

The man at the desk laughed a low chuckle, "Oh don't worry. That's my wolf. I like to call him Lulu." He scratched the wolf's head affectionately.

And then it all came together; the eye color, the looking up from a book with a mildly homicidal expression, the arrogance.

"Oh god! You're a Britannian prince, aren't you?"

He looked taken aback, "Schneizel el Britannia."

Suzaku whimpered, not only was his tertiary one true love _still a guy_ who was _related to Lelouch_ he was _Schneizel._

The man was practically as feared as his (and Lelouch's) (and Clovis') father!

Tears welled up in his eyes. It just wasn't fair.

"Are – Are you crying?"

"No!" He wasn't crying, he was wailing, he was bawling like a baby panda.

Schneizel (who also happened to be the High Cleric of the Church of Schnitzel-Schnauzer-Strudel, a sect known for its barbaric ways of child sacrifice and eating strudel without forks) stood up and patted him awkwardly on the head. "It's, er, okay."

"No! No it's not!" Suzaku hadn't cried this hard since Lloyd had told him he would never be prom queen.

Schneizel sat awkwardly beside him, moving his patting to his shoulder, "It's really alright."

"Please don't eat me-ee!"

Schneizel chuckled again, "Of course I'm not going to eat you. We don't _eat_ the children we sacrifice, we just kill them by-"

"Alright, alright! I'll stop crying!"

"Besides, you're a little old to be sacrificed to Our Lord and Master Schnizzelfortt von Gochkennent."

Suzaku stopped crying except for the occasional sniffle or hiccup.

"How did you know I was a Britannian prince anyway?"

"Le – Lelouch is outside." He hiccupped again.

"Lelouch?! My sweet fiancée-with-an-extra-E-because-I-can-and-he-will-be-uke?!"

Suzaku stopped crying entirely, "What?"

The expression of delight vanished from Schneizel's aristocratic face, "Nothing. Nothing at all." His eyes shifted suspiciously from side-to-side.

**

* * *

**

Suzaku wasn't particularly sure why, but he really didn't want to reunite the two brothers. It might have had something to do with the fact that he still wasn't entirely sure that the Lord of Strudel **(1) **wasn't planning on killing and/or eating him. He hoped the bastard would at least have the decency to use a fork.

"Lelouch."

He looked up from his book, "Didn't work out again?"

Suzaku gestured mutely at the blond beside him.

Violet eyes widened. "Sch– Schneizel?"

He said nothing, merely took a step forward and extended a hand. Lelouch took it and rose to his feet.

Schneizel didn't release his hand. Suzaku's homicidal urges were returning.

"Lelouch," the taller of the two princes murmured, brushing his fingers across Lelouch's cheek. "You're even more beautiful than you were. Your beauty is that of an adult now, not the innocent child's beauty you used to possess."

Suzaku felt homicidal and nauseated.

"Schneizel." He said it quietly, but it wasn't a caressing murmur like Schneizel's voice. Nor did he look particularly… anything. He was simply standing there.

He wasn't doing anything, even when Schneizel's lips started moving closer and closer and-

"No!" Suzaku yelled, grabbing Lelouch by the arm and yanking.

"Wha- Suzak-" The air whooshed out of his lungs when Suzaku tossed him casually over one shoulder and ran to Lancelot where he deposited Lelouch, climbed into the saddle, dragged an unresisting Lelouch up into his lap, and kicked Lancelot to gallop with a sharp yell of, "C'mon, Gawain!"

Schneizel watched them go with a bland facial expression and a slightly cocked head. Then blue-violet eyes narrowed. He _would _have revenge.

**

* * *

**

"Would you care to explain what that was about?" Lelouch asked after they'd slowed considerably because Suzaku figured there was enough ground between them and the Strudel Lord.

They'd also paused briefly to reposition themselves. Lelouch was still on Lancelot for some reason, but he was sitting properly instead of that sidesaddle nonsense.

"He's too old for you," was Suzaku's simple explanation after a moment's thought. His arm tightened possessively around Lelouch's waist. "And he's your brother."

"_Half_-brother," Lelouch corrected absently.

"It's still gross."

Lelouch said nothing.

"You don't seem particularly broken up about it."

Lelouch shrugged and shifted in Suzaku's hold.

"Are you – Are you two really engaged?'

Silence, then startled laughter. "I'd forgotten that. Yeah, he proposed when I was six."

"So he's a _pedophilic,_ incestuous, cradle-robbing, son of a bitch?" Suzaku sounded kind of impressed.

Lelouch shrugged again.

"Did you actually say yes?"

"He promised me chess."

Suzaku was quiet for a second, considering, then, "Whore."

"And cake."

"Whore," Suzaku repeated.

Lelouch shifted again, pressing his temple to Suzaku's neck. One of his hands lifted to cover the one of Suzaku's placed on his stomach; his thumb moved softly back and forth across the back of Suzaku's hand. "You're really weird, you know that?"

He kissed the top of his head. "You're not exactly normal yourself," he whispered into near-black strands.

Lelouch gave Suzaku's hand a squeeze as he hummed an agreement and smiled into the sunset they were riding into.

* * *

**(1)** Thank you, DMFAZINA.

* * *

Hmm, some fluff snuck in there at the end, not sure how I feel about that.

I'm aware that this is not JLM! and some of you will probably be unhappy with me for that.

To those of you I haven't told (because I fell off the fanfictional earth and have every intention of jumping right back off once this is posted) JLM! and I are in a bit of a fight right now, we need to do some redefining of our relationship. So it could take a while (plus the whole jumping off the earth thing), I'm hoping for an apology any day now, though.


	4. Big Brother

**Chapter Title**: Big Brother**  
Dedicated To/Credited To**: di_sama**  
Setting**: Post Chapter 9, possibly early in Chapter 10

* * *

"I hope we do not have to tell you why you are here, Mr. Lamperouge," snapped Kitihara, a wizened old man who seemed seconds away from heart failure or a massacre, Lelouch wasn't sure which.

Lelouch shifted in his chair in the darkened room, eyeing the tribunal before him; Kitihara, Ohgi, and Tohdoh, who had given up his illegal-narcotics-in-Large-Glass-Growing-Structures ways and returned to Narita.

"Well you see, I-"

"Do you recall last night, Mr. Lamperouge?"

"I might have a faint recollection, yes." Mr. Lamperouge did not remember last night, at least not the parts after about ten.

"Would you like to tell us about it?" Lelouch was starting to really, really hate Kitihara.

"There might have been some alcohol-"

"Yes. There indeed might've. And you're, ahh, _companion_ Kururugi Suzaku?"

"He might've had a few to drink as well."

"Indeed he might have. He, in fact, _did_, as did you. And what did you to do after that?"

"We had sex." He didn't need to remember to figure that out, waking up naked next to an equally naked Suzaku had been a good enough hint.

There were times he was glad he still hadn't picked up that "modesty" trait. Suzaku, he knew, would be scarlet and squirming. He got some satisfaction from the fact that Ohgi looked as uncomfortable as Suzaku would be.

Kitihara was angry and Tohdoh was staring stoically forward.

"Do you recall where you, er, did… _that_?"

Lelouch got some satisfaction from that, too. Even if this part did make _him_ want to squirm, but only a little.

"The town center." That, too, had been easy to figure out.

"There were small children present!" Kitihara bellowed.

"It is unacceptable," Tohdoh ground out.

Lelouch said nothing.

"We have thought of an appropriate punishment for you."

"Oh, goody," Lelouch muttered under his breath.

Kitihara either didn't here him or ignored him. "As you might know, we frequently take in children orphaned by the Britannian Empire. To help them adjust, we have instated a… I suppose you might call it a 'Big Brother' program. You will-"

"You want me to make up for scarring children by..." he couldn't finish the sentence.

"They are terrified of you. You will show them that you are not… That there is nothing harmful to them about your… lifestyle."

Lelouch nodded shallowly, "And Suzaku will be…?"

"He, too, will be punished accordingly."

That was good, Lelouch was sure this whole thing was Suzaku's fault.

**

* * *

**

"This is Vincent. You will spend time with him today."

Vincent was small for his age, which Lelouch estimated to be about five, and clutching a dirty rag doll. He was also very, very dirty. Lelouch felt the need to sanitize the air around the child.

An hour later, Vincent was scrubbed pink, short one rag doll, and wailing.

Lelouch was sent home, smirking.

**

* * *

**

"This is Robert. You will spend time with him today."

Robert was solid, stocky, and about seven. Lelouch thought that the program directors were sure he would be less… intimidating to an older child.

Half an hour later, Lelouch had a split lip and Robert was cowering in a corner, whimpering.

Lelouch was sent home, smirking less than the day before due to his bleeding lip.

**

* * *

**

"This is Samantha. You will spend – Just try not to make her cry, okay?"

Samantha had curly brown hair in pigtails and sugary smile. She was eleven.

The directors separated the two three hours later. The first two and a half hours had gone quite well.

After convincing her that playing dolls wasn't that great, and neither was dress-up thank you very much, he got enough of that with Rakshata, they had settled for doodling quietly in a corner where they could exchange snide remarks about Vincent and Robert. It would seem the two were not popular with the other children.

The final half-hour had been going splendidly until one of the senior directors walked by and heard Lelouch informing the girl of the best ways to kill someone sneakily. He had learned _something_ from Suzaku after all.

He kicked pebbles and frightened pigeons.

**

* * *

**

"This is-"

"Have you considered that maybe I'm just not cut out for childcare?"

"Mr. Lamperouge, I will _make_ you be able to spend an entire day with a child without any form of mental scarring if it's the last thing I do."

"That's a rather high-"

"This is Rolo. Have fun."

That didn't sound ominous, not at all.

Rolo was about fourteen and kind of… creepy looking.

**

* * *

**

"So how did it go with the little ones today?" Suzaku asked, grinning at him irritatingly from across the mess hall table.

"Screw you. You got _construction_ duty, so just screw yourself."

"That's not polite," he faked a pout.

Kallen, seated next to Suzaku, just laughed.

Lelouch glared at the pair of them and stabbed a chunk of potato on his plate.

"Hey, Lelouch?"

"Nn." He didn't want to answer Suzaku; he wanted to punch him.

"Who's that kid staring at you?"

"Rolo."

"You didn't even look!" Kallen protested.

"Does he look about fourteen and creepy?" Lelouch asked the potato on the end of his fork, which he was holding idly before his face.

"Er, yeah, actually."

"Rolo," Lelouch nodded.

**

* * *

**

When Lelouch staggered out of the barracks room he was sharing with Suzaku the next morning, Rolo was waiting in the hall.

"Nii-san!" his face lit up.

Feeling benevolent, Lelouch did not cringe, "Good morning, Rolo."

"Where are you going?" The brat was following him down the hall.

"To find Suzaku."

Rolo's expression darkened, "Why?"

"To drag him into the woods and let him screw my brains out." He actually just needed to ask him a question, but Rolo didn't need to know that. Maybe if Lelouch scared him, he would go away.

But Rolo did not go away. Instead, his expression darkened further. "Why?"

"Because I enjoy it." They reached the stairs at the end of the hall. Lelouch all but raced down them; Rolo followed doggedly after.

"But, nii-san…. He doesn't love you."

Lelouch nearly fell down the stairs. He caught himself with the rail and turned on the step to face Rolo, only a step behind and _way_ too close to him.

"What makes you think that matters? I'm not exactly in love with him, either."

Rolo shrugged, "If you say so." He didn't meet Lelouch's eyes.

Satisfied, Lelouch turned back around. He nearly fell down the stairs again at the quiet comment from Rolo, "If you ever want him dead, tell me."

Lelouch turned abruptly, just staring at him.

Rolo moved down a step, their faces were a scant few inches part. Lelouch was distinctly uncomfortable, but refused to back down. "What would _you_ know of killing?"

Rolo laughed fondly, "Oh, nii-san."

**

* * *

**

When Suzaku found the two an hour later, they were sitting at a secluded table in the mess.

Lelouch was leaning forward over the table, face propped up on one hand, mouth slightly open. "Huh," he said at last.

Rolo shrugged and smiled shyly, taking a sip of his tea.

Suzaku glanced back and forth between the two them, neither noticed him. "Morning."

Lelouch glanced up and smiled, "Morning."

Rolo glowered and said nothing, taking an angry sip of his tea.

Suzaku slid onto the bench beside Lelouch. Neither of the two noticed how close they were sitting, but Rolo did. And Rolo was not happy.

"No one asked you to sit, you know."

Suzaku ignored the comment; he was in a good mood.

He turned in his seat and put a hand on Lelouch's shoulder. "Out of curiosity, are you going to Rakshata's soon?"

"Yes."

Suzaku grinned.

"You can't come."

"Why not?" Suzaku pouted, "You haven't let me come with you in _days_ and you look so," he glanced at Rolo, "good."

"Nii-san, what's he talking about?"

"_Nii-san_?"

"It means 'brother'," Lelouch muttered into his own tea cup.

"I know what it means, why is he calling you that?"

"Big Brother program, remember?"

"Yeah, but it's not _literal_, it just-" he glanced at Rolo and stopped speaking, stunned by the murderous look on his face. And then he noticed the specific way the glare was directed at his hand and the slightly possessive way it curled over Lelouch's shoulder.

Even the best of us slip up occasionally. That is the only explanation that can be given for the way Suzaku noticed not only this, but managed to figure out _why_ Rolo was glaring at his hand so.

With a slight internal smirk, he moved his hand across Lelouch's back to the opposite shoulder whereupon his arm bent slightly at the elbow, tugging Lelouch closer to him.

Returning to his oblivious state, Suzaku did _not _take note of the way Rolo was gripping his table knife.

"Suzaku?"

"Yeah."

"What are you doing?"

Suzaku sighed, _would it have killed him to play along_? Rolo was hit by a sudden coughing fit.

"I just wanted to touch you; last night feels _so _long ago."

Rolo's pink-violet eyes bugged.

"Unless you're trying to tell me you want to go into the woods for some 'fighting practice,' stop touching me."

A glance at Rolo's face told Suzaku that he definitely knew what that meant.

He grinned broadly, "If you're offering."

Lelouch sighed as he thought it over, "I don't think Rakshata will mind if I show up a little late. It's not like we actually _schedule_ anything.

"I'll see you in a bit, 'kay, Rolo?" Lelouch asked, pushing himself up from the table.

Rolo nodded, but said nothing; his teeth were ground together too tightly for him to speak just then.

They left the mess. Rolo gripped his tea cup so hard it shattered.

**

* * *

**

"You had a change of heart, then?"

"Hm?"

"The kid."

"Oh. Yeah, he's… not that bad."

"Huh." Suzaku kicked a pebble.

"Don't tell me you're jealous?"

"As if."

"Sure, 'course not. Silly me."

"Okay, first of all, not in love with you. I don't even really like you all that much. Still, I suppose I could be a _teensy _bit worried if I thought the kid was actually any competition."

"What's your second point?"

"Ehh, the two kind of blended together."

What else could be expected?

"You don't think he's competition?" Lelouch asked with a laughing smirk.

"Please. He's, like, fourteen and skinny. There's no way he could-"

Lelouch stopped, "You think skinny people are unattractive?" His smirk was more laughing than before as an eyebrow raised in arch inquiry.

"I will respond to that appropriately once we are out of sight."

"You and your _modesty_ and _discretion_."

"I hate to be annoying-"

Lelouch snorted.

"-but it was your lack of modesty and discretion that got you into this situation with Rolo in the first place."

"Screw you."

Suzaku laughed.

Rolo catapulted himself out of the bushes at Lelouch, tackling him to the ground. Suzaku, reacting quickly to the threat, narrowly avoided taking off Rolo's head with his sword.

"NIIIIIIIIIIII-SAN!!!!" Rolo dug his bony arms into Lelouch's side, and Lelouch grunted in pain. Some part of his mind, the part not trying to figure out how to dislodge a creepy fourteen-year-old, realized that this was probably what Suzaku felt every night. Lelouch understood Suzaku's continuous desire to cuddle even less.

Suzaku definitely had attachment issues, there was no doubt. He really needed to buy a teddy bear for that boy, and soon.

"NIII-SANN, don't leeeeaaaave me." Rolo wailed on top of him, big fat tears falling from his almost albino-ish eyes.

Maybe he has a mental problem, Lelouch thought faintly.

Rolo hiccupped, cried some more, and Suzaku felt a lot less certain about trying to decapitate a crying teenager. He did have some sort of chivalric code, of course. It didn't include not screwing other boys in the middle of the forest where they got leaves and twigs in their hair (he could at least offer them a shirt or something to lie on, he had to remember to do that from now on), but that was beside the point.

"No - No one's ever paid attention to me like _you_ do, nii-san… For the first time I don't feel so alone any more." Rolo hiccupped, rubbing at his eyes.

Lelouch felt like he should be saying something conciliatory here. He'd read about it in books, but he was more focused on the boy creating a soggy mess out of his nice clean shirt.

"Umm, well, that's nice." Lelouch tried to pry Rolo's fingers off his shirt, but the fourteen-year-old was stronger then he looked.

"Its just - It's just…" Rolo broke down again, burrowing more completely into Lelouch's chest and sobbing into the now completely, in Lelouch's mind, ruined shirt. He'd have to burn it later.

Suzaku, by this time, was feeling like a royal asshole. A massive guilt complex raised its head, so he put away his sword and leaned over to rub Rolo's back.

"Shh... its okay. You know, Lelouch and I don't really have any family ourselves either. We're just like you, Rolo."

Lelouch tried to speak up, but Rolo's skinny-yet-strong arms had a death grip around the general area of his lungs, so he was having trouble just breathing. He tried to push Rolo away, but Rolo remained obstinately clingy.

Suzaku glanced once at Lelouch, guiltily, knowing that Lelouch would hate him for what he said next. He pulled Rolo up, grabbing him firmly by the chin. Rolo's wide eyes looked up, his lower lip quivering and his eyelashes glittering with tears.

"We're both guys. And from my knowledge, it's pretty hard for guys to have kids." Lelouch, catching on, began to wave frantically at Suzaku to stop, or tried to. Rolo was still clutching him like some sort of rag doll. He really needed to work out more.

"I want you to know, I speak for the both of us when I say," Suzaku stared deeply into Rolo's eyes, and asked him something that would change all thee of their lives forever, "Rolo, would you be our son?"

Rolo froze, releasing Lelouch in shock. Lelouch sucked in as much air as he could and glared fiercely at Suzaku. Suzaku didn't even look at him; instead his attention was focused on the trembling Rolo.

Rolo turned to look at Lelouch, his eyes wide. Lelouch, flashing back to another, similar, wide-eyed stare he could never resist when he was younger, couldn't think straight for a second.

And a second was all Rolo needed to decide that Lelouch was trying to telepathically tell him that yes, he did want Rolo as a son, and yes, there may also be incestuous relations involved.

He threw himself at the soggy, out of breath, murderous (for Suzaku, primarily) prince yelling,

"Mommy!"

He canceled his plans for teddy bear buying; Suzaku deserved nothing, which included sex. Yes, it might make him suffer a little as well, but the bastard deserved it. A lot. _I'm going to freaking kill you, Kururugi Suzaku. So much._

Suzaku was oblivious; he was busy planning. They would have to get their own house, big enough for three, and their bedroom would need to be soundproofed; they didn't want to scar the child after all. They'd done enough of that after all. Yes, next time Lelouch wanted to get drunk and have sex in public, Suzaku would say no. And no meant no, as everyone knows.

"Oh god, I'm a bastard!"

"What?"

_No, Suzaku is the bastard. No more sex. Ever_, Lelouch though fervently, meaning every word, even though he'd probably only last a month, maybe less.

"Well, you two aren't married, so…"

"Well, Lelouch didn't actually give birth to you, so-"

"Wait, why the hell am _I_ the one giving birth?"

Rolo gave him a "Did you seriously ask that?" stare whereas Suzaku ignored him entirely and continued.

"-technically it doesn't-"

"_Actually_," Rolo interjected, "since you two having sex did lead to my joining the family…"

He had a point, even Lelouch would admit that, though he was still angry about being the mother.

"Lulu, don't you think Rakshata could make you a _beautiful_ wedding gown?" Suzaku grinned rapturously, not noticing the murder in Lelouch's eyes.

"Oh, kaa-san! You'll be so beautiful. White is definitely your color!"

Lelouch was going to have to kill them both. At least no one else was in earshot. That meant there were less people to kill.

"We should tell Rakshata right now!" Suzaku announced, snapping his fingers and standing.

In an amazing adrenaline rush, Lelouch threw Rolo from him and tackled Suzaku to the ground.

"Lelouch, I know you're happy, but I _do _need to breathe." He gasped, "We need a ring! Amethysts to match your eyes, diamonds are a little too classical, don't you think?"

Much to Lelouch's dismay, he'd tackled the wrong teenager. He hadn't known it, but Rolo was the fastest runner in all of Britannia. He ran at the speed of light, it was almost like you couldn't see him.

"Oh, darling, our son is so fast. Our little boy's all grown up!" Suzaku felt tears welling in his eyes. "He has your svelte figure. I wonder what he got from me. Hmm, maybe-"

He was cut short by Lelouch's punch in the gut. "You bastard! What were you thinking? I said he wasn't that bad, that doesn't mean I want to adopt the creepy little thing! And besides, it's not like we're going to stay together. We're not even going to stay here. One true love, remember?"

"Oh," Suzaku said slowly, "right."

Lelouch sighed, too disappointed in Suzaku's lack of brains to want to kill him.

"We can't take it back now, though. He's so excited. And besides, he's so young, he wouldn't understand. He'd be devastated. Do you think he'd mind having three parents? You'd still be his darling mommy, don't worry."

"I am going to kill you. It's going to be very slow, and very painful."

"Oh, dear, I know you don't mean that. You can't kill me. You can't even catch a turtle." He gasped again, "When are we going to get married, it has to be soon I suppose-"

"It was a snapping turtle! I wasn't try– WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED, MORON!"

"Oh, darling, don't be coy. It must be leftover from your days at court; I don't understand you nobles' courting rituals… Do you want flowers?" He easily dislodged Lelouch, and scooped him up, bridal-style, it was only appropriate. If he happened to have trapped Lelouch's arms and legs with his much stronger arms, he didn't even take note.

Lelouch tried to flail and failed. He resorted to screaming and biting.

"Oh, Lulu, you know you tire out easily - Don't bite my neck; it's still bruised from last night - Anyway, you should really save all that energy for our wedding night."

Lelouch's scream of rage could be heard throughout Narita, and even a little beyond. Used to Lelouch's protests to most things Suzaku did, people just smiled and shook their heads, _Oh, those lovebirds.

* * *

_

... yeah.

If the writing style seems a bit... odd... at points, that is because this is not written entirely by me. The lovely di_sama(aka "abbynormal", wench) contributed. If you can figure out what parts are mine and which _aren't_, you... will get a prize. Possibly. It depends on what you want. It's not like I've got a bunch of raffle prizes to give out. I dunno, you figure it out, I give you something. (This is also di_sama's idea.) I actually don't think the difference is particularly glaring -shrug-.

The sequel to this chapter will be coming soon. I just need to figure out an ending that won't -- SPOILER!

Um, yes. I dunno, again, it's five in the morning, forgive this one's failure at life. HUGS!

... I broke my rule about using Japanese for this...

Please review if your brain didn't spontaneously combust due to... something...


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